Parenting Styles in 2020: Your Ultimate guide

13 min readAug 26, 2020

Nine months ago, life was different. You knew that the most drastic change in your life was coming ahead. And now it’s here.

You are a parent.

You have the endless source of joy and happiness, and the biggest responsibility ever.

What kind of parent will you be? Are you going to follow your parents’ footsteps or create your path? Or maybe mix and match, taking the best from your parents and adding your style?

Regardless, it is important for you as a parent, to have a deeper understanding of parenting styles, how they affect your children, and how they relate to your success as a parent.

Let’s start with defining parenting style

A parenting style is a broader theory of parenting practices. Parenting practices are specific behaviors. It is patterns of behaviors that affect children growing up.

What you do as a parent shapes into who you are as a parent. The quality time that you invest in your children is essential. To quote Franklin D. Roosevelt:

“We may not be able to prepare the future for our children, but we can at least prepare our children for the future.”

2 main modules behind parenting style psychology

According to the American Psychological Association, “parenting practices around the world share three major goals: ensuring children’s health and safety, preparing children for life as productive adults, and transmitting cultural values” (APA, 2018).

By and large, psychologists agree that there are two main modules of parenting styles: responsiveness and demandingness

Responsiveness refers to the degree to which parents are responsive to children’s emotional needs. They place high importance on understanding children’s perspectives and they do so in a nurturing, loving, and warm manner.

Demandingness refers to the extent to which parents set the rules and standards upon their children, with high levels of expectations. They tend to monitor children’s behaviors and mold them towards the parenting style they are enforcing.

The matrix of those two modules set forth a foundation for Diana Baumrind’s 1970 seminal categorization of 3 parenting styles. Through extensive observation, analysis, and interviews, Ms. Baumrind recognized authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive parenting styles.

Later in 1983, Maccoby and Martin expanded Baumrind’s 3 original parenting styles, by adding uninvolved (also known as neglectful) parenting to a widely accepted and recognized 4 parenting styles.

The main 4 Parenting Styles and how they can affect your kids

Authoritarian
Authoritative
Permissive
Uninvolved

Are you a one-way disciplinarian? — Authoritarian parenting style

In the research world, this label is known as the “old school” style. The focus of this style is to control both behavior and emotion.

The Authoritarian parenting style allows very little or no room at all for questions to be asked, the flexibility allowed in a required action, or any sort of compromise when decisions are made. Some children feel as if they live in military confinement. Rigid adherence to rules and an uncritical acceptance or authority is mandated and obligatory.

Unresponsiveness to children’s needs and wants and high levels of demand from them are characteristics of the Authoritarian parent. Baumrind says these parents “are obedience- and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation.”

The Sad Story of Henry is not a happy kid’s story. It is sad and troubling, attuned to the authoritarian parenting style might and it raises the question: “What moral lesson are kids supposed to learn from this? Do as you’re told or you will be entombed forever in the darkness?”

Children of Authoritarian parents experience little warmth which may lead to emotional instability. Emotionally unstable and inadequately loved, these kids are at higher risk to develop mental illness. Often, they find an escape in drug and alcohol abuse.

Being constantly told what to do, they rely on unusual levels of authority. They are timid and less spontaneous. They tend to conform to unhappiness which may last into adulthood.

In popular culture, the best example of such an outcome is a 1955 classic movie “Rebel without cause”, starring James Dean. The movie was adopted from psychiatrist Robert M. Lindner’s 1944 book, “Rebel Without a Cause: The Hypnoanalysis of a Criminal Psychopath”, and it portrays rebellion and resentment of a son (symbol of American youth) against his parents (critique of their authoritarian parenting style) who are “tearing him apart” in his own words.

Do not nurture without firmness -Authoritative parenting style

Commonly accepted as the ideal approach for the best-adjusted children, the Authoritative parenting style implies structural set up with rule-following similar to the Authoritarian parenting style, but in a much more democratic fashion.

Both Authoritarian and Authoritative parents have high levels of expectations, however, Authoritative parents are warm and responsive to their children’s needs and desires and they seek reciprocal communication.

“Because I said so!” is replaced by “Let’s talk about it.” Critical to the Authoritative parenting style is the value of independence and encouragement of expression. Assertiveness without restrictions and intrusiveness is consistent with this approach.

Parents want their children to be competent and socially responsible adults.

Diana Baumrind says these parents “monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive”.

Healthy parent-child interactions promote emotional autonomy and mastery orientation per Sage Journal’s 2012 study. The study investigated links between authoritative parenting environments and transformational leadership. It revealed a positive relationship between all four psychological dispositions.

Maturity is another concept highly emphasized in Authoritative parents. They provide kids with explanations and reasoning which enhances a greater understanding of awareness, values, and morals. As a result, children are more likely to be successful and to develop healthy self-esteem.

The Authoritative parents’ children have better mental health than Authoritarians, they exemplify proper age behavior and adept social skills, and they have less violent tendencies.

Pharell’s “Happy” song would be their song and they would “Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth”

More like a friend — Permissive parenting style

Also known as the Indulgent parenting style, it is characterized by low demandingness and high responsiveness. While often warm and accepting, Permissive parents are very involved with their children, but also very lenient and of low demands on their children.

According to Diana Baumrind, Permissive parents “are more responsive than they are demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation.”

“Kids will always be kids” is their attitude and the parent-child relationship is more like a friend relationship. Children are not discouraged from bad behaviors. Punishment may happen only when the problem is very serious. Rules are few or none. The same applies to discipline.

Permissive parenting style roots:

Confusion of not knowing their parenting role which leads to “being a pal” attitude that also includes “I can’t say no to my kids”
Compensation for what they missed as children. A great example is “Get good grades and I’ll buy you anything”
Parental indifference when parents are too busy with their own personal or professional lives, they are self-indulgent or have trouble with their issues and problems

Children who grew up with Permissive parents can often be characterized as “spoiled.” If the Permissive parenting style gives a child too much power, the child grows into self-centeredness. Child’s frustrations are commonly avoided. They are allowed to do whatever they want and they grow up with no respect or authority.

If you see yourselves as either parent or child involved in the Permissive parenting style, beware that this is a parenting style with most consequences. There is a higher risk of obesity and other health risks, like dental cavities, all due to permissiveness. Alcohol and drug intake are much higher. Problems are heightened with social interactions and relationships. And many more.

Demand nothing, give nothing — Uninvolved parenting style

The bottom of the Baumrind/ Maccoby- Martin matrix belongs to the Uninvolved parents. Very low demandingness and very low responsiveness. Parents who probably should not be parents fit in here. Dark humor is a tool that works well as a coping mechanism.

Martin Luther said that “ A religion that gives nothing, costs nothing, and suffers nothing, is worth nothing”. Change religion to parenthood in his quote and you get a definition of Uninvolved or Neglectful parenting style.

Rules and higher standards are non-existent. There is no structure to growing up and the children are expected to raise themselves. Parents do not know what their children are doing.

“Whatever” is the most practical response to a child’s near-absolute freedom. The outcome of such an approach are children struggling with self-esteem in personal and professional life, who are more impulsive, struggle regulating emotion, grow up without any sense of responsibility, and are prone to delinquency and addiction.

Find yourself in this parenting style chart

Popular culture has its say about modern parenting styles

Parenthood in the US and the world globally has changed and it is more demanding than ever. Technological progress had a profound impact on the way children grow up. Dr. Google and Mr. Amazon seem to have answers for everything.

The broad scope of “old-style” parenting has been refined by modern parenting culture, media, and new definitions by modern psychologists. Let’s take a look at the main modern parenting styles.

Roar like a tiger — Tiger parenting

A form of strict and obedient parenting, based on Asian values of independence, Tiger parenting has little in common with the image of cuddling tiger cubs and their parents. Demands are high and intense, and love is given sporadically and slowly.

Experts agree that this parenting style can be very harsh, but warm at the same time. Based on Amy Chua’s 2011 book “The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”, it is shown to produce different outcomes depending on cultural factors.

While there are substantial differences between Asian and Western parenting styles, they both lead to the same goal — to motivate children towards the right path. “Western parents try to respect their children’s individuality,” Amy Chua writes in her book “By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future”

In the age of social media, new technological dynamics, Zoom parenting, and ever-expanding globalization, Asian and Western parenting styles are intersecting in new and exciting forms.

First, mow your lawn — Lawnmower parenting

Have you ever mowed grass? Or watched a lawnmower cut it to perfection?

Even if you have not, the concept of lawn mowing is entrenched in American family life. Its core idea defines lawn mowing parents.

Rather than preparing children for life stumbling blocks, they will go to extraordinary lengths to prevent them from experiencing any possible hardship.”Inconvenience, trouble or discomfort” are situations where kids have to be “rescued”.

“If I could make it easier for my child, why wouldn’t I do that?” is a usual question that comes from a good place, probably from experience that parents themselves have been through. It misses the long term point because” it inadvertently gives that message of ‘you can’t do this yourself, you can’t succeed,’” said Stephanie Samar, a clinical psychologist at the Mood Disorders Center of the Child Mind Institute. “That can lead to other problematic things — may be increased anxiety, low distressed tolerance — [a] discomfort that comes with having conflict helplessness about their situation.”

Lawnmower parenting style is on the rise.

Be Glued to me — Attachment parenting

Google search “Mom and baby” or “Parent and baby” and look at images. What you see is a visual overload of love, bonding, and attachment. They seemed glued to each other.

According to Dr. Sears, “Attachment Parenting is a style of caring for your infant that brings out the best in the baby and the best in the parents”. It is a style of parenting that nurtures strong emotional bonds which results in children developing the capacity for emphatic and enduring relationships that last into adulthood.

“Child-centered” approach, as opposed to “parent-centered”, is highlighted, in which the parents read cues of their babies and by doing so, provide their children with a firm support base.

Research shows numerous mutual benefits to both children and parents raised via Attachment parenting:

mutual sensitivity
mutual giving
mutual shaping of behavior
mutual trust
feelings of connectedness
more flexibility
more lively interactions
brings out the best in each other

Let your spirit carry you -Free Range parenting

The name says it all. “Fly like an eagle to the sea!” (Seal lyrics)

Independence to enjoy the freedom to the fullest is essential to Free-range parenting. Just like a bird is free to explore on its own, so are the children encouraged to take age-appropriate responsibilities and freedom, and even allowed to fail at a task to build “grit”.

The spark that ignited the free-range parenting movement was the 2008 New York Sun column by Lenore Skenazy, describing her experiment with her son being left alone in the NYC department store, and him figuring out his way back home.

She argues that “The problem with this everything-is-dangerous outlook is that over-protectiveness is a danger in and of itself. A child who thinks he can’t do anything on his own eventually can’t”.

In building confidence, resilience, and coping skills in their kids, Free-range parents focus on everyday life experiences rather than adult-organized activities. Through this, children promote pathways in the prefrontal cortex, strengthening control over the emotion-eliciting areas of the limbic system.

If you are a poor and working-class parent, and especially parents of minorities, Free-range parenting transpires as a necessity. It is the antithesis to the 1990s anxious middle and upper-class parents’ attitude who hover over their kid’s life too close, known as the Helicopter parenting style.

Don’t hover too close — Helicopter parenting style

Wop, Wop, Wop, Wop, Wop!!!!!!!

It’s the sound of a helicopter and it’s getting closer and closer, louder and louder. Then it stops and lands. And it takes off again repeating the cycle.

The Helicopter parenting style feels like a helicopter hovering when parents are too closely involved in every aspect of children’s life. They are over-parenting, often attempting to solve all of the children’s problems, not considering that they are stifling their progress.

In “To Kill A Mockingbird” Atticus Finch says, “There’s a lot of ugly things in this world, son. I wish I could keep ’em all away from you.” Born out of fears and worries, parental instincts may lead to developing helicopter behavior.

How beneficial is the Helicopter parenting style? This is a controversial question.

There is research suggesting negative effects and research suggesting positive effects.

Modern communication technology enables helicopter parenting by creating many tools used to watch over kids, such as cell phones, email, social media, etc.

5 major signs of helicoptered kids

Calling Mom or Dad when making a decision
Parents are their best friends
They resent parents for their gifts and support
Frequent intense anxiety
Perfectionist obsessed with credentials

Ready to know more about yourself as a parent? Take these parenting style quizzes

There are different types of parental style quiz available to take.

Scholar, research-based upon specific studies Psych Central
The prominent magazine Psychology Today
Intuitive and spiritual Positive Parenting Ally

What else to consider in addition to 4 parenting styles?

Child temperament

Most parents wish to have an easy baby. The ones with difficult babies often envy parents who are blessed with calm cones. However, the research shows that raising a difficult baby has its benefits

Understanding a child’s temperament is a critically important part of parenting. In understanding so, the parent empathizes with a child’s view of the world, how he or she experiences different situations, and how they react to them.

There is no right or wrong temperament. Each one is unique and it is important to accept children for who they are. The goal is to be your child’s champion, help them adapt, expand, and assert confidence in their temperament.

Cultural and Ethnic variation

Most of the evidence regarding parenting styles come from high-income countries, notably from the USA. Even within the USA, different cultural and ethnic factors produce different parenting styles.

What works in Spain may be different than Indonesia, but more similar to the Mexican parenting tradition. Immigrant parents tend to emphasize traditional cultural upbringing to preserve it. Numerous studies explain a strong relationship between ethnic background and parenting style.

Conformity to cultural and ethnic norms and values is an integral factor of parenting.

Here is a bottom-line — Your child is a reflection of your parenting style

Writing this Ultimate guide has been a great journey personally. As an expectant parent preparing for a life of dad, I relished an opportunity to immerse myself in learning about the most important challenge of my life — to be a parent. I know you feel the same.

When growing up, our children look up to us as teachers first, and later as a role model. They learn from our actions, communications, and behaviors, be it positive or negative. Children always emulate what their parents do. Remember that!

Have you found out what your parenting style is?

Maybe you are a mix of two or more parenting styles. It is important to understand that most of the studies only find links between parenting styles and outcomes. Correlation between two is explained but not the causation. The correct cause-effect does not exist.

“There are times as a parent when you understand that your activity isn’t to be the parent you generally envisioned you’d be, the parent you generally wished you had. Your main responsibility is to be the parent your youngster needs, given the specifics of their own life and nature” — Ayelet Waldman, NYT bestselling author

If I have to choose parenting style, I would consider foremost what kind of parent I want to be for my child, understand my situation, and then, understand my child’s path.

My formula would be Authoritative parent with sprinkles of Attachment, some Free range, and a tiny, tiny bit of Helicoptering.

What is yours?